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Post by Jah Reincipis on Dec 20, 2013 8:43:18 GMT
Pale, shimmering, the rainbow dances I hold my breath, afraid to move Lest it vanishes from my sight Created from moonbeams and mist Delicate and gentle it glitters As I sit and watch, enthralled Unlike the harsh diamond’s fire Or the bright sunlit stripes The muted tones of this rainbow Hold my gaze and it seems That this moment should last forever But then in walks someone Flicks the switch and kills my rainbow Slowly I blink, dual purposed To adjust my eyes and hide my tears.
(So this is a very very old poem. Was thinking about reworking it so here we are.)
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Post by Jamie on Jan 2, 2014 15:52:15 GMT
Pale, shimmering, the rainbow dances I hold my breath, afraid to move Lest it vanish es from my sight .Created from moonbeams and mist Delicate and gentle it glitters As I sit and watch, enthralled .Unlike the harsh diamond’s fire diamond's harsh fire? Is the diamond harsh or is the fire harsh?Or the bright sunlit stripes Sunlit stripes of what? The muted tones of this rainbow Hold my gaze and it seems That this moment should last forever But then in walks someone whoFlicks the switch and kills my rainbow .Slowly I blink, dual purposed To adjust my eyes and hide my tears. While I find the conceit of this poem quite enjoyable, a few small additional punctuation marks could help to clarify where the breaths fall in this piece. Read aloud, I find the punctuation I've added enhances the flow just a bit. The line "or the bright sunlit stripes" left me wanting; I was unsure if it was stripes on your curtains lit by the sun, or sunbeams poking through clouds (e.g. the "stripes" we see on some days) that you wanted me to think of here. I like the consistency of imagery you use (pale, shimmering; muted tones) and the contrast between the muted and the fiery. Read this aloud, look at the changes I propose, and go with what your gut tells you.
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Post by Ladywildalice on Jan 16, 2014 19:02:29 GMT
Pale, shimmering, the rainbow dances. I hold my breath, afraid to move lest it vanishes from my sight. Created from moonbeams and mist, delicate and gentle it glitters, as I sit and watch enthralled. Unlike the harsh fire of diamonds, or the brightness of sunlit stripes, the muted tones of this rainbow hold my gaze, and it seems this moment should last forever. But then, in walks someone, flicks the switch, and kills my rainbow. Slowly I blink in dual purpose, to adjust my eyes, and to hide my tears.
Sorry, couldn't figure out how to "red pen" but have added my suggestions to form and wording. This is a lovely piece and made me long for a rain shower followed by a bright sunny spring day..............ah but to be in Minnesota in the dead of winter, such loveliness is not meant to be for at least four more months.
My editing suggestions focused mainly on punctuation and capitalization. To me, a Capital letter indicated the start of a new idea or the need to put emphasis on that particular word. And to me, commas indicate a need for a pause in that particular thought at that particular place, or as a connector of two associated thoughts not complete in and of themselves, but complete when linked together by the comma. By tweeking the placement of commas, you change the manner in which the line is read, the manner in which the thought is presented, in part or whole. Example, in the 5th and 6th lines: delicate and gentle it glitters, as I sit and watch enthralled.
If you place the comma between watch and enthralled, it changes to mean the "it" (the rainbow) is sitting and watching enthralled
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Post by Myth on Jan 23, 2014 21:44:54 GMT
Forgive me for the crude way I've chosen to offer my opinion.
The concept and imagery to me seem solid. The places I find wanting are the context of some word usage, some comma placement, and a thought or two that seemed incomplete.
I too have yet to master the "red pen". I have played with it a bit, hopefully with no offense to you. To show some ideas I had for fleshing it out a bit, taking what I felt in your words and making them flow for me...
Created from moonbeams and mist Pale and shimmering, the rainbow dances
Delicate and gently it glitters I sit and watch, enthralled holding my breath, so afraid to move Lest it vanish from my sight
Unlike the harsh diamond’s fire Or the bright rays of sunlight The muted tones of this rainbow Hold my gaze so that it seems This moment could last forever
I stopped there...it feels rude to me to re-write the whole thing even just trying to offer input. I hope it helps a little though, and for what it's worth, I really think you should complete it.
~M~
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Post by Jah Reincipis on Jan 28, 2014 8:46:38 GMT
Thanks everyone I'm glad to have some input. I wrote this for a year 12 assignment so figured it was time to rework it. I'll take your suggestions on board and have a second draft up in the next few days
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